On The Floor

Hewson: Dr Who? Doctor Hewson!¹Dr John Robert Hewson was elected to Parliament in 1987, and became leader of the Liberal Party on April 3, 1990 after Andrew Peacock led the party to defeat in that year’s election. Also, the music that plays just before he sings is the distinctive opening riff of the “Dr Who” theme music.
Sit up straight when I’m talkin’ to you, son
The magical might from the radical right²Hewson’s policy perspective, especially in economics, was from the far right of the Liberal Party. Hewson was an outspoken admirer of Margaret Thatcher’s economic policies.
I’m gonna light up the night with a scheme and a dream so bright
so sit right back while we bite back
This is called Fightback! – me and my G on the right track³Fightback! was the name of Hewson’s radical economic policy package, released on November 21, 1991, whose key elements were the introduction of a consumption tax called the goods and services tax (GST), the compensatory abolition of a range of other taxes such as sales tax, deep cuts in income tax for the middle and upper-middle classes, and increases in pensions and benefits to compensate the poor for the rise in prices flowing from the GST.
And we don’t stop ‘til we get our way: G – S – T – O – K!
Band/Hewson: Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!

Keating: G – S – T? This is what you call salvation?
To whack taxation over the nation?
This is the bright new plan you bring?
Fifteen percent on everything?

I was a stick-up kid for the capital gains⁴Historically, a GST was first proposed in Australia by Keating himself in 1985. However, by 1991, the problems with a GST had become apparent after its implementation in Canada, and Keating, along with a majority of Australians, had turned against the idea.
But the feeling wanes when you grow some brains!
Poor law, so my homies say: G – S – T – no – way!
Band/Keating: Nay! No! Nay! No! Nay! No! Nay! No!

Hewson: We’re twenty points up, we’re off the charts!
We don’t need you and your bleeding hearts!
The poor and sick’ll have a trickle to suck⁵‘Trickle-Down’ economics is another name given to the style espoused by Hewson. The idea is that tax cuts for the wealthier will lead to capital investment, benefiting the economy as a whole. It is, of course, unmitigated crap, and has failed in every country where it has been attempted.
but if you give ‘em a hand, they might drag you down into the muck!⁶One of Keating’s rebuttals of Hewson’s policies was what became known as the ‘Caring Arm’ speech, the main thrust of which was support for the welfare and other low-income group support policies that Hewson wanted to gut. Hewson’s “you give ’em a hand, they might drag you down into the muck” is a paraphrase of Keating’s paraphrase(!) of Hewson’s statement in Parliament on 20 August 1992: “I remember you saying not long ago that when they fall off the pace you will reach back and pull them up. What you mean is that you will pull everyone else down to the lowest common denominator.” Keating adroitly rephrased it to highlight the unkind, less egalitarian implications of the phrase: “that if you lean down and put an arm out to people in this country who are not as well off and who deserve support it will drag the rest of us down”.
That’s why you were born to lose,
you get stuck in the shit in your shiny shoes,
and that’s why you’re gonna get blown away:
‘cos you can’t play like Doctor J!
You can’t play like Doctor J⁷Julius Erving, a.k.a. Dr J, was a US basketball star of the seventies, acknowleged as one of the game’s all time greats. “You can’t play like Dr,. J” was a well-known catchphrase of his.
Band: You can’t play like Doctor J
Hewson: You can’t play like Doctor J
Band: You can’t play like Doctor J

Keating: Oh no! They sent the Doctor to get us!
It’s like being flogged with warm lettuce and cabbages!⁸Keating (as treasurer) on Hewson (as shadow treasurer) in Parliament, 31/10/89.
The feral abacus! Come to savage us!⁹Keating’s nickname for Hewson in the wake of the proposed GST, in Parliament, 19/8/92 – “This is only zealotry. This is the feral abacus at his best. This is the notion, the bean counter, where basically, again, people do not matter.”
He must be ravenous! Ravenous!
Mister Mediocrity¹⁰Keating on Hewson – “I’d put him in the same class as the rest of them: mediocrity.” from the Bunyip Aristocracy¹¹The Bunyip Aristocracy line was actually Keating on Andrew Peacock, in Parliament, 7/12/83: “He is part of the bunyip aristocracy, a remnant of the failed upper class, one of the crowd who reside in Melbourne and govern Australia. He is supposed to be let off while the rest of us are supposed to pay the penalty.” The term caught on, and is applied to all those members of the Liberal Party in particular who seem to think they’re members of the British aristocracy.
The Member for Wentworth should be in bed,
He’s like a lizard on a rock – alive, but lookin’ dead.¹²From this exchange in Parliament, 14/11/86:
Keating: Yesterday, on another personal matter against me, we had old dozy over there, the honourable member for Wentworth, up on a question about the VIP flights–
Carlton: Madam Speaker, I take a point of order. I would have thought that personal abuse was uncalled for. Madam Speaker, I ask that you ask the Treasurer to withdraw.
Speaker: I did not hear what the Treasurer said. I ask him to withdraw it if it is offensive.
Keating: I was implying that the honourable member for Wentworth was like a lizard on a rock-alive, but looking dead.
Old Dozy knows when I’ve got ‘im,
He always turns around when I drop one on ‘im,
It’s somethin’ he can’t psychologically handle¹³Keating on Hewson: “He always turns around when I drop one on him. He can’t psychologically handle it.”
Him and his band of constitutional vandals,¹⁴Keating in Parliament, 8/3/84: “So Opposition members should not come that tawdry line with us. The fact is that they are the thugs of Australian politics. They are the constitutional vandals of Australia. They are greedy for power. They would rip up the Constitution, attack any convention or any individual to get their own way.”
Drones¹⁵Keating assailed by interjections in Parliament, 26/5/1983 – “Mr Deputy Speaker, can I get some protection from the drones on the back benches?” and pansies¹⁶Not actually about the Liberal Party; directed (in the sense of collateral damage) at the Democrats and their fellow senators. Keating in Parliament, 5/11/92: “This Party of ours absolutely opposes the GST as an inequitable, unuseful and totally unfair tax. But let us not hide behind this indignation about these pansies in the Senate.”, frauds¹⁷Keating in Parliament, 28/10/82 – “Yet honourable members opposite use this argument about smearing. They have smeared people for years. They have always regarded themselves as having a God-given right to run Australia and now, like a lot of lackeys, they are trying to protect the people behind them in the establishment who have had their fingers in the public till. They are trying to protect reputations that such people do not deserve. We are about exposing them for the frauds that they are.” and mugs¹⁸Keating in Parliament, 21/9/85 – “Honourable members opposite, as members of the so-called party of managers, may think that they have the allegiance of business in this country; they do not. Business thinks that they are mugs and hillbillies; and it is right.”
Blackguards¹⁹Keating in Parliament, 16/9/85 – “The people have a very clear choice to make at the next election-to have a party in government with some decency and guts or the blackguards on the front bench of the Opposition.”, harlots²⁰Keating in Parliament, 14/5/85 – “While all the fiscal and tax harlots opposite jump on the boat of opportunism they will be left in the gutter of fiscal irresponsibility from whence they came and where they belong.”, pigs²¹Keating in Parliament, 12/11/85 – “They were running a swill of an economy… a pigsty, and that was the limit of their capacity.” and thugs,²²Keating in Parliament, 8/3/84: “So Opposition members should not come that tawdry line with us. The fact is that they are the thugs of Australian politics. They are the constitutional vandals of Australia. They are greedy for power. They would rip up the Constitution, attack any convention or any individual to get their own way.”
You mindless²³Keating in Parliament, 11/11/86 – “These are the absolute gutter tactics of a mindless, useless, idealist, unprincipled Opposition.” stupid foul-mouthed grubs²⁴Keating to Wilson Tuckey in Parliament, 19/2/86.
You couldn’t even raffle a chook in a pub!²⁵Keating in Parliament, 16/9/86 – “Yet Opposition members talk about the Opposition’s credentials and how it advises the Government. The Opposition crowd could not raffle a duck in a pub.”
Barnyard bullies²⁶actually about the National Party leadership, Keating in Parliament 3/11/83 – “In the meantime, the barnyard bullies, the Leader of the National Party and his deputy…”, crims and ghouls²⁷on the Nationals again, in Parliament 3/11/83 – “Meanwhile, the ghouls of the National Party of Australia sit beside the Liberal Party members in this House, hoping for the day of the great rapprochement between the conservative parties: The bushrangers get together with the city slickers.”, dullards²⁸Keating in Parliament, 16/10/85 – “It has not penetrated the dullards on the other side of the House that a business or government can still entertain, but at its own cost.”, dimwits,²⁹Keating in Parliament, 21/11/85 – “How thick these people are! We can actually publish these numbers and discuss them for weeks and months, yet these dummies and dimwits opposite cannot understand what we are saying to them.”
Ninnies³⁰Keating in Parliament, 27/3/85 – “The ninnies opposite may laugh, but basically the members of the Opposition have not got a serious thought in their heads about trying to run an economic policy.”, clowns³¹Keating and fools³¹Keating in Parliament, 8/3/84 – “It is our role as the Government of Australia to protect the High Court of Australia against lunatics and fools like members of the Opposition who would put the whole constitutional fabric of Australia at risk.” and born-to-rules,³²Keating in Parliament, 26/3/87 – “The Opposition has never cared about ordinary Australians. It has always been the party born to rule-the born to rule squad out there to run the rest of us. The only place where the Opposition got into trouble is that a few of us on this side of the House think that we are born to rule the Opposition. And we are doing a pretty good job of it, and we will keep on doing a pretty good job of it.”
Over here we’re born to rule you,
You dishonest crew³³Keating in Parliament, 11/11/86 – “The Opposition is such a motley, dishonest crew.”, you almost make me spew!³⁴Keating in Parliament, 17/9/85 – “What really amuses me and almost makes me spew are the terms of this matter of public importance…”
Loopy intellectual hoboes!³⁵Keating in Parliament, 20/3/86 – “Yet no such forethought and no such conceptual thinking was ever in the minds of these intellectual hobos who attack us for having some inconsistency–“
Brain-damaged³⁶Keating in Parliament, 30/11/83 – “Mr Speaker, do we get any protection from the brain-damaged Deputy Leader of the Opposition (Howard)?” dummies³⁷Keating in Parliament, 21/11/85 – “How thick these people are! We can actually publish these numbers and discuss them for weeks and months, yet these dummies and dimwits opposite cannot understand what we are saying to them.” and desperadoes!³⁸Keating in Parliament, 27/11/85 – “All the former Government had was an overvalued exchange rate which cut our manufacturing industries to pieces and ruined our export markets, and a monetary policy which ground the economy into the ground, never fixed inflation and gave us double digit unemployment. Talk about desperados!”
Hare-brained³⁹Keating in Parliament, 17/9/85 – “a hare-brained proposition from the honourable member for Mackellar” hillbilly⁴⁰Keating in Parliament, 21/9/85 – “Honourable members opposite, as members of the so-called party of managers, may think that they have the allegiance of business in this country; they do not. Business thinks that they are mugs and hillbillies; and it is right.” cheats! cheats! cheats!
Well they’ll always be cheats! cheats! cheats!⁴¹Keating in Parliament, 17/9/85 – “If he [Howard] wants to go stumping the country on whether this country has a tax system in which decent, ordinary Australians are not ripped off by all the bludgers and parasites and one in which decent people are entitled to a decent go with fairer rates, they will have a very clear choice-a vote for us or a vote for coalition members who have always been cheats, cheats, cheats. They will always be cheats, cheats, cheats, and will always defend cheats, cheats, cheats.”
Useless motley corporate crooks and clots!⁴²Clots: Keating in Parliament, 18/2/86 – “Why don’t you go and read it, you clot?”
Stunned-mullet⁴³Keating in Parliament, 29/11/83 – “He would have no idea about how to restrain wages in a recovery. He would sit back like a stunned mullet…” rustbucket⁴⁴Keating on Peacock, in Parliament, 6/6/84 – “What we have here is an intellectual rust bucket. The bucket might be painted up , but there is rust underneath the duco.” boxheads!⁴⁵Keating in Parliament, 21/9/85, to Tuckey again – “You boxhead, you would not know. You are flat out counting past 10.”
Scumbags⁴⁶Keating in Parliament, 22/9/84 – “You were heard in silence, so some of you scumbags on the front bench should just wait a minute until you hear the responses from me.” and alley cats!⁴⁷Keating in Parliament, 26/5/83, over Michael Hodgman’s interjections – “Do not worry about him, Mr Deputy Speaker. He has got the political morals of an alley cat.”
You wanna fight back?
Fight back! Fight back from that!⁴⁸Hewson released a revised version of Fightback on December 18, 1992, which did succeed in regaining some of the polling ground he’d lost to Keating’s attacks – but not enough.

Hewson: Well, alright, you think you’ve got it made?
Then let the game be played –
Why are you so afraid?
You’ve got the cheek to critique
And shriek that we’re weak –
Let the people decide! Let the public speak!
Make a correction! Call an election!
Show us your miraculous resurrection!
If the people hate me and you’re so great,
Why you wanna make me wait?

Keating: Becaaaauuuse…

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