33 CE — Mary Magdalene gives birth to the son of Jesus

Assuming that Jesus did have a child (and there is, in fact, some textual evidence to suggest this in some versions of the Bible, although it is more an implication than a statement), the chances are that the boy – variously named, most interestingly as Mérovée, the legendary founder of the Merovingian dynasty that later ruled France – was born in either 33 or 34 CE, after his father’s death.

However, much to the disappointment of fans of Dan Brown, there is little enough historical evidence to confirm the existence of Jesus, let alone that of any children of his. To say nothing of the fact that Mary Magdalene is not the only woman identified in legend as a wife of Jesus, nor of the legends that their child was actually a girl named Sarah.

In all probability, there was no Grandson of Man.

April 3, 33 CE — Jesus dies upon the Cross

It is the central event of Christianity: Jesus Christ surrendered to the Romans, was briefly tried by Pontius Pilate, and sent to be crucified. Once up on the cross, he died in an unusually short time (crucifixion is a slow and painful death). In his last words, he called on his heavenly father, saying “Eli Eli lama sabachthani?” (in English “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”). (At least, he did according to the Gospels of Mark and Matthew – John and Luke each tell different stories.)

When the Romans came by to break the legs of the crucified (a measure that hastens death), they discovered that Jesus was already dead. He was taken down and buried, rising from the dead on the third day (somewhat undermining the “last words” thing, but he’s the Son of God. Different rules apply.)

Today, these events are commemorated by the eating of chocolate (not introduced to Europe, Asia and Africa until 14 centuries later) delivered by a rabbit (because… I have no idea why).

April 2, 33 CE — Jesus prays in the Garden of Gethsemane

Known to Christians as the “Agony in the Garden”, Christ’s prayers in the Garden of Gethsemane on the Mount of Olives are mentioned in John 18:1, Matthew 26:36-45 (the only account to name the garden) and Luke 22:39-46. Accompanied by three of the Apostles – Peter, John and James – Christ retired to the garden to pray that God would permit him to not go through with his sacrifice and Crucifixion the following day.

The agony here is, of course, spiritual and emotional rather than physical. That would follow very shortly, however: immediately upon leaving the garden, Christ encounters Judas, a meeting which will result in the deaths of both men before the following sunset.

April 2, 33 CE — Jesus predicts his betrayal by Peter

It’s a well-known story. At the Last Supper, after Jesus bluntly tells his twelve closest friends that one of them will betray him, they all protest that they would never do such a thing. And no one protests louder or longer than Simon Peter (not so-named for the rocks in his head, although you could be forgiven for thinking so).

Jesus calmly tells Peter that Peter will deny him three times, which is met with still more protestations by Peter.

In a shocking plot twist, it turns out that everything Jesus predicted came to pass, the very next day. Peter should have asked him for the lotto numbers.

April 2, 33 CE — Judas Iscariot betrays Jesus

Judas Iscariot is a complex and contradictory character in the gospels. He did betray Jesus for thirty pieces of silver, repent too late, and commit suicide. But how much did he act from his own volition, and how much in fulfillment of God’s grand design? How much was he an independent actor responsible for his own deeds, and how much was he a puppet dancing on divine strings? The only thing we know for sure is that we’ll never get a straight answer out of any church on the subject.

32 CE — Jesus walks upon the water

So, in the course of their travels, Jesus sent the disciples on ahead of him to Bethsaida, a journey they made by taking a boat across the Sea of Galilee. A storm blew up, and the disciples were in fear of their lives before Jesus walked across the surface of the lake, supported by nothing more than water (and the ineffable power of the God of Israel). Tthe disciples were understandably discombobulated by this apparent apparition, but then Jesus climbed into the boat himself, proving that he was real.

In what is something of a common theme for Simon Peter – although this time mentioned only in Matthew – the future first Pope started off with good intentions but lost faith quickly. He walked out onto the water towards Jesus, but then became afraid, and began to sink. Jesus pulled him from the water and they both walked back to the boat.