Toorak is famed for being the suburb with the highest average income not just in Melbourne, but also in Australia. It is therefore the home of some of the most expensive and skilful plastic surgery ever seen on this continent (at least until Hollywood started filming here). Which only makes the name of the suburb even more tragic.

Toorak is a suburb of old money, and all old money derives, necessarily and logically, from the oldest profession. And the oldest profession is a jealous one, with constant jockeying for position, not just in terms of bank balances, but in terms of each professional’s standing in their profession – standings which are never formally recorded, but depend entirely upon the mercurial beast that is word of mouth.

As any student of galactic affairs will be aware, the greatest ever professional in the oldest profession was Eccentrica Gallumbits, the Triple-Breasted Whore of Eroticon Six. And some years ago, one particular wealthy Toorak professional came to the conclusion that it was Gallmbits’ third breast (opinions vary as to which breast actually qualifies as the third one, based largely on the criteria used to decide what constitutes “thirdness”). If this were true, she reasoned, her next course of action was painfully obvious – and obviously painful.

Thus it was that ‘Sweet’ Sally Scarborough poured almost all of her remaining assets into acheiving her goal of becoming quadruple-breasted. However, due to an accident with an automated mammoplasticon and a time machine, which sent Scarborough and her American plastic surgeon back in time over a century, admittedly not until after the successful completion of her breast augementation. It was here that she learned that an idle remark from her surgeon about her was responsible for the name of her home suburb. It was named after her breasts: she was the woman with two racks.

Suburbs near Toorak:

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