Roxburgh Park

It turns out that Eddie Cochran was wrong: there is a cure for the Somerton Blues…

…of course, the cure may actually be worse than the disease. Because it turns out that the cure is excise a large portion of the suburb from its former locality, give it a new name and fill it with McMansions that can be sold at truly ludicrous markups.

The new suburb, Roxburgh Park (now un-affectionately known to its inhabitants as “Roxy”), was named after Cornelius Wilberforce Roxburgh, a noted fictional character invented for the sole purpose of naming a suburb after him (a contemptible practice if ever there was one!) by Kelly Country Real Estate Developments Inc. (a.k.a. KC Red). According to the legend, Cornelius Wilberforcington von Roxburgh was an English nobleman most famous for his explorations of Darkest Wales and his scaling of the Alps in his native Germany, a feat which Corneliusanthynum Wilberforestry Roxingburgher undertook during his student days at the University of Ingolstadt.

After emigrating to Australia in 1882, Cornstarched Willingforce Roxtabuggerer made his fortune in the Victoria Gold Rush of the 1850’s, when he repeatedly struck gold at a number of locations, including Fremantle, Devonport, Whyalla, Dee Why and Mawson Antarctic Base. A shrewd investor, Conestoga Willbefostered Rockhamptonberg made his fortune in buggy whips during the Depression years, when they were greatly sought after by husbands who wanted to race their wives in the Melbourne Cup.

Cornfeelingup Wibberfarce Rokksberg died in 1834, shortly before his arrival in Melbourne, and was buried at an undisclosed site that is commemorated today by the Arts Centre Tower being raised at its location. He should not be confused with Cornelius Wilberforce Clayton, who also does not exist, nor with Dave Rokksberg, former drummer for Spinal Tap.

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