Progenitorivox, produced by SquabbMerlCo, is a modern miracle. It costs $12 a pill (in the US – it’s cheaper in Canada), and directions indicate that it is to be taken twice daily. There is a generic equivalent that costs half as much, but that isn’t advertised on tv, and besides, those pills are a plain boring white colour, rather than an interesting paisley pattern, and therefore can’t be any good.

Progenitorivox is used to treat headaches and strange diseases, but what’s truly remarkable is its list of side effects. These include, but are not limited to: agitation, palpitations, excessive salivation, constipation, hallucinations, mild electric shock sensations and may also cause your eyes to pop from their sockets. SquabbMerlCo recommends that you cease taking the pill upon death.

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