Bipolar Bears is a line of combination vitamins and mood-altering drugs, produced by The Corporation and marketed primarily at teenage girls. Not much more is known about them, but the odds are that they’re basically chewable Prozac with added vitamin C and artificial orange flavouring.
Dyziplen is the trade name of the behaviour-modifying drug Nitrosedaticam Dedehydro Epoxy Methylmorphixan Diacectate Calminhydrate. Sold in the form of 400mg capsules, Dyziplen is the latest and most fashionable treatment for misbehaving children among the wealthy trophy wives of Manhattan. It is the go-to treatment for hyperactivity, ADHD and Kanye West Spectrum Disorder. It’s not handed out as the treatment for a particular diagnosis, but just for kids who are, you know, inconveniently behaving like kids.
Dyziplen takes a little while to kick in, but once it does, it turns the user into a polite, well-spoken, emotionless, slow-moving automaton who is incapable of recognising music or colour. It’s very likely that a certain amount of bribery caused this dangerously strong chemical to be fast-tracked through the approvals process by the FDA.
A product of Natural Life Food Company, Euphorazine is an anti-depressant that replaced Zanotab when that drug was withdrawn from sale.
It is unclear how effective it is, but many former users of Zanotab are now using Euphorazine.
Related Drugs: Profillica, Teamocil & Zanotab.
FEMFREE is a drug that suppresses the maternal instincts in women. It is not clear how this physical effect is acheived, but it seems likely that it suppresses certain hormones, and likely also reduces the likelihood of conception.
However, the social effects of the drug are even more striking. Shortly after the drug’s introduction, it was outlawed by President Lousewart, which swiflty led to the formation of a black market selling FEMFREE to the women who wanted it.
Related drugs: Ex-Tend, FOREVER, NEURO and ORGASMOR.
A pill produced on the island of Krakoa, the independent mutant nation located in the west Pacific, Human Drug I is a cure for ‘diseases of the mind.’ It is unclear whether mutantphobia is one of the affected diseases.
It is a naturally produced chemical grown by specialised and unique plants on Krakoa, and distributed to nations that have the appropriate treaties with Krakoa by the Hellfire Trading Company.
Related drugs: Human Drug I and Human Drug L
Sometimes employed by Larry Wilmore when stories get too hard to believe, Incredulox is an over the counter medication intended to make the implausible go down easy. (Ironically, the drug itself can be hard to swallow.)
The rather clumsy slogan of Incredulox is: “for when you simply cannot believe it, and it’s true, and you still can’t believe it.” This is one of the few run-on sentences ever to actually make it through the approvals process and actually get used as a slogan. The makers of Incredulox appear to have skimped on focus group spending.
The actual effectiveness of Incredulox is unclear, since it appears necessary to take very large doses in some cases.
Produced by Futurza – the same pharmaceutical company that brought the world both Fibromyalgia, and a highly-priced (not to mention dubiously effective) cure for Fibromyalgia – Joyvetrex was a 2013 anti-depressant and mood enhancer that was heavily pushed onto the medical community.
It is chiefly notable for living up to none of the promises made in its advertising (or by its sales reps).
Related drugs: Mega-Dope and Relaxorex.
KT-28’s, or Katies, as they are known on the street, are a psychoactive drug from the graphic novel Watchmen by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons. The effects of this drug are never made clear in the book, only that it is a popular and addictive street drug with the ‘Knot-Tops’ of New York – a curious coincidence, given the drug’s name.
However, in an apparently unrelated section of the book, Dr Manhattan mentions that he can synthesize lithium in limitless amounts, leading to a number of scientific advances based on cheap, abundant lithium.
On that basis, it is likely that this otherwise unknown drug is also a lithium derivative – and indeed, lithium has a long history as a drug used in psychiatric treatments, making it a likely choice. Based on the name of the drug, which sounds more like an abbreviated chemical formula than anything street, it’s likely that KT-28 is a drug with a legitimate psychiatric use that finds its way to the streets illicitly.
Millenial Tristesse is a drug that answers the user’s longing for the Twentieth Century, more particularly, the second half of that century. It returns one to a feeling that suburban life is the most and best there could possibly be, the comforting certainties of being a part of “the Free World” and opposed to its enemy, the card-carrying, godless Commies, and music whose primary instrumentation was the electric guitar.
It is widely used, along with re-runs of “Matlock”, to keep the residents of aged care facilities from sea to shining sea in a state of complacent and compliant low grade anxiety.
Related Drugs: Ninetenicillan and Stovulax
Ninetenicillan was a highly fashionable drug during the Bush and Obama administrations. It gave one the reassuring feeling that the events of 9/11 had never taken place, and that Fukuyama’s “End of History” was actually true, with the future holding nothing more dire than the endless march of capitalism across the face of the globe.
No longer commonly in use, except for cases of extreme anxiety about the War on Terror, Ninetenicillan is available only on prescription, although rumours persist of a black market for the drug, especially in red states. It was originally created as a variant form of Millenial Tristesse, a drug that gives the similarly reassuring sense that it is still the Twentieth Century.
Related Drugs: Millenial Tristesse and Stovulax
Shrilanka, active ingredient tshrillangaflogizini, is anti-depressive intended for use by teens and adults with moderate to severe bouts of depression, although also legally prescribable for children and pets.
Known side effects of Shrilanka include perineum incompatibility, swelling, pain, pineapple sized lesions, constipation, dry mouth, wet eyes, insomnia, drowsiness, blurred vision, and dizziness upon standing up too fast (which is to say, at anything more than about a quarter of normal human speed).
But, after 10-12 weeks of use, it will help to make the symptoms of depression and suicidal ideation go away, and make the user much less disturbing to their co-workers.
Stovulax is one of a type of future drug designed to treat highly specific forms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Technology has now advanced to such a point that such micro-targeting of the brain is not merely possible, but a basic part of psychiatry.
This particular formulation is for people who have difficulty believing that they really did turn off the stove before leaving home. There are a multitude of such drugs, each as specialised as Stovulax.
Related Drugs: Millenial Tristesse and Ninetenicillan
Devised by Banner Value Drug and Vitamin Laboratories, Inc. as an antidote to their all-too-successful product, Cerebrocreatine, and marketed as a liquid inhaled in suspension (much like asthma medicines), Super-Aktion stimulates the parts of the brain that control decision-making and impatience.
Super-Aktion is, unfortunately, a little too effective in its purpose, as one of the side effects of the hastier decision-making and impetus towards action it causes is a disregard for the potential dangers of the likely outcomes of the actions taken under its influence.
Related Drugs: Cerebrocreatine, De-Tox and Nullergin-200.
There’s no I in Teamocil – at least not where you’d think…
As the name suggests, Teamocil enhances feelings of camaraderie and team spirit, although in doing so it frequently depresses the libido of users as well as causing numbness in their extremities and short term memory loss.
A product of Natural Life Food Company, Teamocil is an anti-depressant whose extreme effectiveness is unfortunately a precursor to total shut down of the pituitary gland. As of 2004, it is no longer on sale, most likely due to that side effect.
Related Drugs: Euphorazine, Profillica & Zanotab.
X-13 is a short-term memory erasing drug. It causes limited amnesia, typically for a period of about 24 hours. The amnesia it induces can be defeated by hypnotic recall sessions, and it is known to be diminished in effectiveness if the subject’s bloodstream has a high alcohol level.
It is applied as an aerosol spray, and tends to knock out the subject upon application, generally for a period of several hours. X-13‘s very existence is a classified secret, and it is available only to agents of the NSA and CIA, although stocks do occasionally turn up on the black market.
A product of Natural Life Food Company, Zanotab is an anti-depressant that had several unfortunate side-effects. As a result, it was withdrawn from sale and replaced with the very similar Euphorazine.
It is unclear how effective it is, but many former users of Zanotab are now using Euphorazine.
Related Drugs: Euphorazine, Profillica & Teamocil.
A hugely psychologically addictive drug, Zoroaster (usually just called Zorro on the streets of Al Amarja) is named for the ancient Persian prophet whose ideas of a dualistic cosmos constantly torn in struggle between Good and Evil have affected almost all subsequent religions – and the name is well-deserved.
Taking Zorro fills the user with an absolute sense of right and wrong – their side is Absolutely Good, all others are Absolutely Evil. This state of psuedo-Randian objectivity lasts never quite long enough, and the user will almost always crave that feeling again.
The drug does not turn its users into raging psychotics, but rather, into fanatically fundamentalist holders of whatever positions they already held. Violence does frequently result, but it is the result of the extreme intransigence of the users, an indirect effect of the drug, not a direct one. Perhaps unsurprisingly it was created and is now sold by a nihilist conspiracy intent on worsening conflicts in order to hasten the wider embrace of nihilism.
Related Drugs: Blue Shock, Communion, MDA-Cubed, Nightmare, Relapse, Slo-Mo and Wings.