Bipolar Bears is a line of combination vitamins and mood-altering drugs, produced by The Corporation and marketed primarily at teenage girls. Not much more is known about them, but the odds are that they’re basically chewable Prozac with added vitamin C and artificial orange flavouring.
Dyziplen is the trade name of the behaviour-modifying drug Nitrosedaticam Dedehydro Epoxy Methylmorphixan Diacectate Calminhydrate. Sold in the form of 400mg capsules, Dyziplen is the latest and most fashionable treatment for misbehaving children among the wealthy trophy wives of Manhattan. It is the go-to treatment for hyperactivity, ADHD and Kanye West Spectrum Disorder. It’s not handed out as the treatment for a particular diagnosis, but just for kids who are, you know, inconveniently behaving like kids.
Dyziplen takes a little while to kick in, but once it does, it turns the user into a polite, well-spoken, emotionless, slow-moving automaton who is incapable of recognising music or colour. It’s very likely that a certain amount of bribery caused this dangerously strong chemical to be fast-tracked through the approvals process by the FDA.
A product of Natural Life Food Company, Euphorazine is an anti-depressant that replaced Zanotab when that drug was withdrawn from sale.
It is unclear how effective it is, but many former users of Zanotab are now using Euphorazine.
Related Drugs: Profillica, Teamocil & Zanotab.
FEMFREE is a drug that suppresses the maternal instincts in women. It is not clear how this physical effect is acheived, but it seems likely that it suppresses certain hormones, and likely also reduces the likelihood of conception.
However, the social effects of the drug are even more striking. Shortly after the drug’s introduction, it was outlawed by President Lousewart, which swiflty led to the formation of a black market selling FEMFREE to the women who wanted it.
Related drugs: Ex-Tend, FOREVER, NEURO and ORGASMOR.
A pill produced on the island of Krakoa, the independent mutant nation located in the west Pacific, Human Drug I is a cure for ‘diseases of the mind.’ It is unclear whether mutantphobia is one of the affected diseases.
It is a naturally produced chemical grown by specialised and unique plants on Krakoa, and distributed to nations that have the appropriate treaties with Krakoa by the Hellfire Trading Company.
Related drugs: Human Drug I and Human Drug L
Sometimes employed by Larry Wilmore when stories get too hard to believe, Incredulox is an over the counter medication intended to make the implausible go down easy. (Ironically, the drug itself can be hard to swallow.)
The rather clumsy slogan of Incredulox is: “for when you simply cannot believe it, and it’s true, and you still can’t believe it.” This is one of the few run-on sentences ever to actually make it through the approvals process and actually get used as a slogan. The makers of Incredulox appear to have skimped on focus group spending.
The actual effectiveness of Incredulox is unclear, since it appears necessary to take very large doses in some cases.
Produced by Futurza – the same pharmaceutical company that brought the world both Fibromyalgia, and a highly-priced (not to mention dubiously effective) cure for Fibromyalgia – Joyvetrex was a 2013 anti-depressant and mood enhancer that was heavily pushed onto the medical community.
It is chiefly notable for living up to none of the promises made in its advertising (or by its sales reps).
Related drugs: Mega-Dope and Relaxorex.
KT-28’s, or Katies, as they are known on the street, are a psychoactive drug from the graphic novel Watchmen by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons. The effects of this drug are never made clear in the book, only that it is a popular and addictive street drug with the ‘Knot-Tops’ of New York – a curious coincidence, given the drug’s name.
However, in an apparently unrelated section of the book, Dr Manhattan mentions that he can synthesize lithium in limitless amounts, leading to a number of scientific advances based on cheap, abundant lithium.
On that basis, it is likely that this otherwise unknown drug is also a lithium derivative – and indeed, lithium has a long history as a drug used in psychiatric treatments, making it a likely choice. Based on the name of the drug, which sounds more like an abbreviated chemical formula than anything street, it’s likely that KT-28 is a drug with a legitimate psychiatric use that finds its way to the streets illicitly.
Millenial Tristesse is a drug that answers the user’s longing for the Twentieth Century, more particularly, the second half of that century. It returns one to a feeling that suburban life is the most and best there could possibly be, the comforting certainties of being a part of “the Free World” and opposed to its enemy, the card-carrying, godless Commies, and music whose primary instrumentation was the electric guitar.
It is widely used, along with re-runs of “Matlock”, to keep the residents of aged care facilities from sea to shining sea in a state of complacent and compliant low grade anxiety.
Related Drugs: Ninetenicillan and Stovulax
Ninetenicillan was a highly fashionable drug during the Bush and Obama administrations. It gave one the reassuring feeling that the events of 9/11 had never taken place, and that Fukuyama’s “End of History” was actually true, with the future holding nothing more dire than the endless march of capitalism across the face of the globe.
No longer commonly in use, except for cases of extreme anxiety about the War on Terror, Ninetenicillan is available only on prescription, although rumours persist of a black market for the drug, especially in red states. It was originally created as a variant form of Millenial Tristesse, a drug that gives the similarly reassuring sense that it is still the Twentieth Century.
Related Drugs: Millenial Tristesse and Stovulax